Tag Archive | heartache

Masquerade of a Dead Life.

Sorting out some recent thoughts…

It is amazing the way a person can become so sure to you, how they can seem like they can be relied on for one small thing and still let you  down so harshly. I learned a long time ago how crushing it can be when someone you admire falls so hard and far from the pedestal you have put them on, but what I didn’t count on was the complete coldness and disregard a person can have for the values that keep family strong. It is one thing to disappoint another person it is another thing to aid in the destruction of family.

What an experience it is to see such a desperate attempt to keep certain “skeletons” from escaping the closet of a masquerade of a life. The broken attempts of hiding behind false pretense while in reality being the horrible victim of senseless acts of sins against you is just a pitiful and frightening reality for so many people. Unfortunately it can become a reality so big that in the end it affects not only you, but can affect generations to follow in ways that are devastating. All because you don’t want or can’t face what people might say or think of you even though what happened was not your fault. Sin when hidden becomes an insidious guest even when that sin has been done against you and you are not the one who has committed it. Typically when sinned against anger then unforgiveness then bitterness takes root in the hurt. The hard thing is that we have every right to be hurt and angry, but the key after that is to not sin in our hurt and anger. I know how hard it is to be hurt and angry and then have to deal with a child while wrestling with those feelings towards someone else, I have on numerous occasions snapped at them or yelled at them when they had nothing to do with my pain at all, but being so consumed by my pain, I overlooked what it might do to them to react in a way that will confuse and hurt them. Thus the cycle can continue and inevitably does in this fallen world. I have personally tried to make it a point to apologize to my children when I have done this and have when necessary attempted to explain to them some lesson of human nature and the mercy of God and His love.

What is remarkable to me in this is how the extent of someone else’s sin can cause us to sin against the innocent or those who are not the cause of the pain. Either way we are not to sin, in reaction to the person sinning against us or in reaction to those not involved. I can say that this is a very difficult ideal to grasp, I believe and know it, and I fail in it so many times. How I was shown this by God’s mercy, was in wondering about the resurrection and it’s importance in the life of one who believes. The refrain of the gospel is that we can be saved from our sin, it is beautiful to know this, however it is incomplete, because so many do not understand their own sin, and stand in judgement of others sins and the sins that they have been the victims of. Sometimes a person does not see the depravity of there own sin and only looks at the sin and suffering around them and wonders about how so much bad can happen. Christ died for my sin, your sin, and every individual’s sin. It becomes our responsibility to accept that gift of salvation from our sin. What happened after His death is three days later he arose from the dead, we all know that right? But see he didn’t go in the ground for three days, in those three days he conquered death forever and rose victorious over sin and death so that we may experience the same freedom and victory over sin and death because of our salvation through him. And that means sin. Period. Any sin that has been committed against us. Period. Any experience of death. Period.

In the light of His great salvation all of this has no hold on any believer, ever, unless the believer chooses to hold on to it, either in their ignorance to this or in their inability to fully grasp this victory. I have a hard time fully grasping the truth of this especially in moments of pain, and unfortunately pain doesn’t just go away in knowing this. What it does do though is it gives me hope in pain and joy in the hurt, that I do not have to remain imprisoned to someone else’s sins against me or others. It helps me to know that God has conquered it all and he is the only conqueror, and only through his salvation can I be more than a conqueror even though I have experienced the pain and hurt and horror of being sinned against.

Realize that sin is a work of Satan himself and that every person has the choice to sin or not. Do not deceive yourself about sin there is no small sin that we can commit as in letting our words hurt people or laziness or being false, and do not allow yourself to be deceived into the belief that there are sins that are too great for God’s power as in rape or murder or molestation. God’s power abolishes sin, God’s power heals our souls from sins, God’s power gives us peace in this sin stricken world. In pressing on towards wholeness in body, spirit and mind; this truth has been a balm for me, it has put my mind at ease even though the feelings of hurt and anger remain, it has helped me to sort through the mess that is life on this planet and it has helped me understand the pain that others face in there own lives. I hope it allows me to see healing in the lives of those I love and I hope that maybe it causes others curiosity to seek out this truth for them self.

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Going Forward with Obstacles

“God has nothing worth having that is easily gained”-  Streams in the Desert Devotional– June 29

 

It is easy in the face of obstacles to give up and take the easy path, whether that is convenience food or procrastination or snapping back at someone in anger or abandoning a difficult relationship. The hard way is painful and misunderstood, even if it appears that the easy way is being taken. I am happy to be standing in the Hope of God and that he is my everything, literally. He took my earthly security away, and gave me an invisible future that I cannot see but for his promises to me. I think I am misunderstood for the fact that I had to do something very drastic in my life to secure the health and well being of those closest to me, it had to be done, to save a soul, to save minds from more damage, and to save the completeness of something God has ordained. Nothing good has ever come from hiding behind false pretenses, especially when multiple opportunities have been given for private resolution of the issues faced. God put these words before me as I was facing the blackest moments in this recent dilemma:

 

Psalm 27:13-14 (amp) [What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

 

Psalm 138:3,7-8 (KJV) In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me. The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

 

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

 

It was like a cool fresh breeze, filling my suffocating lungs, a piercing light through the darkness, though still blind to the future it is the brightness of his promises that are blinding me now to what my future holds. I am so happy to know that I have no need to defend my position but that God is my defense. No person can stand against me in thought, action, or words. The greatest of all is he told me he would perfect what concerns me, PERFECT, can you beat that? I have made more mistakes in my journey than I can count, but, I know I make them and will likely make more; But I have claimed Christ and his righteousness for myself because without it I am destitute in the horrors of my sin. I can stand in Him knowing that my mistakes and failures will only prove to glorify Him much more in the end, so I can have no claims to having done anything in my own strength. This is the beautiful way of openness and transparency, it proves God’s greatness in the end, it proves that he uses weak, broken vessels to carry his glory so he can shine through the shattered shards of brokenness. A crushed flower, pours out more fragrance. Coal under pressure produces a diamond.

Journey through Pain

For the past year or so I have found myself in a prison with one wall that I have been banging my head on. My head has been aching from the constant smashing against bricks made from confusion, worry, questioning, lack of faith, thoughts of self pity and so on. Believe me the words that bombard me sometime shred my soul and the circumstances that surround me are difficult. But a sweet whisper from God has been quietly speaking to me lately about the “chastisement of my peace being upon Him” Isaiah 53 – it has come over and over into my heart and head and it is amazing how he has led me out of this bramble of pain.  I have been unable to figure out why I couldn’t find peace, but I am so happy that He is showing me a way out of the confused questions in my head. I am so glad that I didn’t completely give up and am also glad that so much of his word has taken root in me that even in times of drought in my life; [The Word] comes in like a refreshing rain for my thirsty soul.

Another question that has been causing me great pain has been in that I believed a lie that all I could experience in this life was hurting, and that all the blessings that I have read about in His Word were blessings for heaven, I was basically believing that salvation was not for my life but for my death or when I died. But I have been so blessed that He again spoke to me and showed me Psalm 27: 13 “Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.”

Just lately there has been some changes in my life that I wanted but was afraid of, and I actually prayed would happen and it did. But when it happened it was so abruptly that I was terrified. Through my terror I prayed for him to give me peace that I would have faith to trust him for my needs, all of them. Seemingly simplistic request I know; but the back story makes it very frightening.  The day after this abrupt change I received a magazine in the mail and nearly every article in it were testimonies of God’s provision in the exact circumstance that I found myself in and fearful of this past year. It affirmed He cares for me and knows my needs, and speaks to me when I feel like there is nobody else who understands.

Zombies

Okay so here is the situation, I feel like I am almost completely a zombie- I feel like I just don’t give a rip anymore- walking around dead. Not that this is true but my response to the continual dripping of acid on my heart and mind is well… acid back, It’s not good, it serves no purpose, it makes things even worse and I don’t know how to stop. You see I have these really good spells in which I am very, very good and very bad ones in which I am HORRID. So I am horrid right now. I have tried many forms of turning the other cheek, but I seem unable to stick it out for whatever reason… you see I get vulnerable, then I get hurt, then I get hard, then I give it another try and it starts all over again.  I just want to be happy and have fun, to enjoy life, yet this misery just won’t quit.

I know that I need to keep my focus in the right place, and I don’t all the time. I know that I need  to give up my rights, but there is too much I want sometimes. I know that I don’t deserve any better than my worst sin. But I don’t want to be eaten alive by this living dead. And I don’t want to be a Zombie.

Tell me how would you respond if your very soul was continuously slammed, the butt of every joke, ridiculed, mocked, derided, harrassed, shamed, dishonored, hurt repeatedly, over and over. I am sorry to say it starts to form a callous, and you begin to be very good at giving it back.

But you see the real problem lies in that the zombie is the one who can’t take the punishment, the zombie feels all the pain and then spews it back out to infect others, so when I dish it back, I am hurting something so much more fragile than me and I feel as though I am delaying the time when the zombie is given anew, his life.

Out of this Corner

Like a cornered animal

in a smallish spot

poked at and prodded

torture so cruel

you are the tool

in the hands of this evil one

who wants me broken

desperation and psychosis

seem to overtake

but then I remember the place

my Ivory Tower

where I can run and be safe

the place where I can cling

even if

it feels

like

a slick and slimy rock

in the raging hurricane of my life

even if I can feel

the grit from this stone

pressing into the quick of my nails

and it hurts

yet I cling

I want the Ivory Tower

more than the rock

I want the wrought needlework

of the King’s Daughter

not these drenched rags

of this filthy place

this corner in

this world

that I am stuck in

Sigh

Hurtful things are so fearful

they are so attached to this world of mine here

I want to escape, somehow

yet I am trapped by… i don’t know what

an indefinable sense of wanting what is right

above all else

wanting the best things

when my knees are broken with my heart

falling all the time to them

I want delight and joy and love and and and and

sigh

why so much pain

Daddy make it go away

take this pain from everyone

wash this world

pour out your peace

and help us all

o help us