Tag Archive | thoughts

Amputee

There was pain
Before this.
Great and terrible pain
Now gone.
Like a limb removed,
A need,
A necessity,
For life.
That pain hurt
And angered me;
It never let me alone.
Now gone.
Learning to live
Again.
Learning to be
Myself
Once more.
But I still feel
The phantom pains,
The limb
That is there
But gone.
A need for this
Life I have here.
And I miss it
That part of me.
For walking
This journey.
That pain.
I won’t take it back
Pain broke
My loyalty.
I wait
And wait
For the heel to be Healed
For the limb to be restored
To this body
My own.

Randomness …of perfection, writing, inadequacies, faith and trust

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.

Small people always do that…”

Mark Twain

am i a small person?

small and unforgiving?

sometimes my confidence makes a fool of me.

i am so sure of myself

and then i do something

and it fails…

my mind attacks

me telling me

why.

i.

failed.

telling me

i am stupid and ignorant

laughing at my confidence

dispelling my joy

mocking me for being.

so.

sure.

i fold into myself introspecting every little thing

i think i know and believe

i feel silly and selfish

shy and ashamed

that I put myself out there

so vulnerable

standing so tall on my soap box

of opinions

choices

words i say

and the me i reveal so openly to all.

i despise hypocrisy

so i reveal so much of myself

my mind calls me a fool

it asks “where is the mystery?”

maybe there is none when it comes to me

i rebel and flap about

like i know everything

and can do anything…

i get disconnected from so many

not on purpose

just my mind (that smallish part of me)

tells me not to bother because

they don’t care

they are too busy

so i forget to call

because i don’t know what to say

i like to write

i express my thoughts well

but i never bothered with

punctuation

too many or not enough and in the wrong spots

so i write and am humiliated

writers block is fear

that my dots and dashes don’t add up

my mind tells me i am dumb

elementary grammar

forgotten

in the need to put pen to page

and then confused

expression is a joy to me

yet i am failed for words to put all of it down

disjointed

thoughts

flying about my head

ricocheting from B cell to T cell

synapses firing away

and i try to catch them

these dragonfly thoughts

flitting one way

invisible then standing in midair…

sparkling

iridescent

thought

and I reach out with my jar of letters

to encapsulate the phantom phrase

on paper

or screen

but then its gone again

i am off on these

paper airplanes

and glitter screens

to lands of expression, of words, of poems

of classy fairy friends

of opinions to fuel my passions

of art to wonder at

and of my clumsy attempt

to join in the cacophony

that i travel

in the corner of my room

on the shiny little screen

and sometimes

maybe more so than not

my dishes are ignored

my bed unmade

or the laundry is left waiting on its mountain

or words tumble from my mouth too fast

and they’re sharp

and i regret

that they hurt

those i care for the most

and i wake

another morning

and i crawl out of bed

and i fly by my life as it comes

and i trust

the work in me will be completed

grace will be given each day anew

i will write and not be fearful

and i will hope myself breathless

and i will be silly and embarrassed

holding my chin up high

as i learn to forgive and be forgiven

and look up for my help

…..

;;;;

,,,

?

!

:

and i will TRUST.

Linked up with Life: unmasked

World View Revolution- Part 3 or Seeing Red Over Being “Green”

Go green… Right? Yeah, I am all for being green (the right way)… but it is annoying, because it has become a fad and a new money maker for the industry giants to peddle their wares and in my not so humble opinion dupe us even more, probably by sneaking in the “junk” in the pretty repackaged bottles or by hiding what is really going on. But I think that the “green” movement (at least the faddish media hyped part) hides an even greater deception. Watching PBS nature programs especially infuriates me, when they talk of the horror of the human encroachment upon animal’s natural habitats, as if humanity is an infestation of parasites upon the planet and the bleeding hearts who decide the wording for the narrator, thinking that they (and their own “elite” groups) are the only redeeming chance our planet has for survival. It is ridiculous to the point of rage for me, these bleeding heart elitest few (or not so few?) are likely the same as those in our government who decide how much poison is ok in our food and medicine and how much poison is too much… I mean why be so gruesome as to dig a ditch and shoot people into it when they can slowly torture and kill us by brainwashing us into believing that they can tell us what to eat and how to treat the diseases(their processed foods cause) that plague us. Oh and these are probably the same “few” who are all for the funding of the murders of millions of tiny babies, horror of horrors we wouldn’t want to over populate this poor burdened planet would we? The deception lies in the attitude and belief system that devalues humanity by promoting the “planet” and the “environment”. Look at the world around you, watch a commercial, they degrade humanity in one way or another constantly- as though we are mindless and incapable of taking care of ourselves anymore… have a conversation and listen to the pervading worldview of those speaking. It can be minor but it is still there… as in “…wow, you have your hands full…” in regards to children or “…men. can’t live with ’em, can’t live without em…” or “…your not going to college?” to a young lady who wants to nurture her family or “…you have to work; don’t you want to support your family?” to the mother who stays at home to bring up the next generation. The pervading attitude of our culture is that of what we have been fed by a media and a system that works against the people and for the growth of a larger and more controlling gov’t. Take mothers out of their homes, promote rampant immorality, create poor single mother led homes, day-cares and schools to effectively brainwash our children into more mindless drones, denigrate men by a continual onslaught of disrespect and dishonor in society causing a huge number of men to need “mommy’s” to take care of them, or become criminals, or deadbeats. While I am all for being a good steward of the things that God has created for our use, I would like us to never consider for a single second that the media, the system, or the gov’t has any desire to protect this earth or the people on it for them it is all about power and money, they are destroying the eco-system out the back door (as in GMO crops, pesticides) while putting on a good face by fighting global warming. GMO’s are messing us up I can almost bet money that new super illnesses that mystify the medical community are a direct result of GMO’s!!! And pesticides are killing our pollinators and are likely the cause behind a lot of our many current disease epidemics, read up on it!!! These industry giants are in the back pocket of our gov’t who allow this massive poisoning to create a nation too sick, mindless, ignorant and messed up to defend itself, the food supply or the environment. To them our ignorance is their power.

Revelation 18:4

And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues(heart disease, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, mental illness, infertility, autism, etc.) .

Revelation 18:23

And the light of a candle shall shine no more at all in thee; and the voice of the bridegroom and of the bride shall be heard no more at all in thee: for thy merchants(big business and gov’t, industrialized food, pharmaceuticals, educators) were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived.

Revelation 9:21

Neither repented they of their murders(abortion), nor of their sorceries(pharmaceuticals, see below), nor of their fornication(culture of immorality), nor of their thefts(the national debt, our freedom).

Greek- Pharmakeia

Strong’s Number:   5331

Definition

  1. the use or the administering of drugs
  2. poisoning
  3. sorcery, magical arts, often found in connection with idolatry and fostered by it
  4. metaph. the deceptions and seductions of idolatry

I know sometime when I put this stuff out there it doesn’t seem to be related, but it is… It is a systematic dehumanization of this planet, it is a culture of death, a death of humanity by the belief systems that pervade out minds.

Back to being green the right way. Support green efforts first by being local, that will cut back on the costs of importing and shipping of products over great distances, eat local and seasonally, and if possible preserve your own food by canning and freezing and lacto-fermentation (refer to the Nourishing Traditions cookbook for more on this). When it comes to local products obviously you want a product that has quality and if you find it locally then go for it but if not look online for resources of cleaning products, home keeping products and childcare products and so on. Next be green in your food choices, Organic may be more expensive but the more is bought the less expensive it will become and if you want to get technical just because the cost is low now doesn’t mean it will be low later when you are paying for medical bills for multitudes of problems brought on by the cheap, easy foods. Growing a garden is a relatively easy way around this as the cost outset is minimal and the rewards huge, as long as you have a small idea of how its done and understand that it is a learning process. Realize that pollution is in our food supply as well as  the environment, the global warming, sustainable energy and landfill debates in the media are masking the real truth of what is  happening to the world around us. Supporting local sustainable farming practices is one of the best ways to be green, in supporting an organic farmer you are telling the “industry” that you no longer want poisons in our livestock or plants or wildlife or pollinators or our soil and water supplies from their chemical pesticides use. We all have a choice to make; we can choose to not think and do nothing and buy the garbage they are selling us literally and figuratively or we can stand up and vote with our pocketbooks, we can slowly make one decision in the right direction every time we do it; it is another nail in the coffin of these tyrants trying to steal all that we have… our freedoms. Without the freedom to eat true nourishing food, all of our other freedoms may as well be handed over to them on a silver platter. True food gives us the ability to have discernment and to choose right because true food nourishes our minds and bodies to give us the strength and ability to retain the knowledge of these truths.

“Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good” (Isaiah 7:15).

Going Forward with Obstacles

“God has nothing worth having that is easily gained”-  Streams in the Desert Devotional– June 29

 

It is easy in the face of obstacles to give up and take the easy path, whether that is convenience food or procrastination or snapping back at someone in anger or abandoning a difficult relationship. The hard way is painful and misunderstood, even if it appears that the easy way is being taken. I am happy to be standing in the Hope of God and that he is my everything, literally. He took my earthly security away, and gave me an invisible future that I cannot see but for his promises to me. I think I am misunderstood for the fact that I had to do something very drastic in my life to secure the health and well being of those closest to me, it had to be done, to save a soul, to save minds from more damage, and to save the completeness of something God has ordained. Nothing good has ever come from hiding behind false pretenses, especially when multiple opportunities have been given for private resolution of the issues faced. God put these words before me as I was facing the blackest moments in this recent dilemma:

 

Psalm 27:13-14 (amp) [What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

 

Psalm 138:3,7-8 (KJV) In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me. The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

 

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

 

It was like a cool fresh breeze, filling my suffocating lungs, a piercing light through the darkness, though still blind to the future it is the brightness of his promises that are blinding me now to what my future holds. I am so happy to know that I have no need to defend my position but that God is my defense. No person can stand against me in thought, action, or words. The greatest of all is he told me he would perfect what concerns me, PERFECT, can you beat that? I have made more mistakes in my journey than I can count, but, I know I make them and will likely make more; But I have claimed Christ and his righteousness for myself because without it I am destitute in the horrors of my sin. I can stand in Him knowing that my mistakes and failures will only prove to glorify Him much more in the end, so I can have no claims to having done anything in my own strength. This is the beautiful way of openness and transparency, it proves God’s greatness in the end, it proves that he uses weak, broken vessels to carry his glory so he can shine through the shattered shards of brokenness. A crushed flower, pours out more fragrance. Coal under pressure produces a diamond.

Journey through Pain

For the past year or so I have found myself in a prison with one wall that I have been banging my head on. My head has been aching from the constant smashing against bricks made from confusion, worry, questioning, lack of faith, thoughts of self pity and so on. Believe me the words that bombard me sometime shred my soul and the circumstances that surround me are difficult. But a sweet whisper from God has been quietly speaking to me lately about the “chastisement of my peace being upon Him” Isaiah 53 – it has come over and over into my heart and head and it is amazing how he has led me out of this bramble of pain.  I have been unable to figure out why I couldn’t find peace, but I am so happy that He is showing me a way out of the confused questions in my head. I am so glad that I didn’t completely give up and am also glad that so much of his word has taken root in me that even in times of drought in my life; [The Word] comes in like a refreshing rain for my thirsty soul.

Another question that has been causing me great pain has been in that I believed a lie that all I could experience in this life was hurting, and that all the blessings that I have read about in His Word were blessings for heaven, I was basically believing that salvation was not for my life but for my death or when I died. But I have been so blessed that He again spoke to me and showed me Psalm 27: 13 “Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.”

Just lately there has been some changes in my life that I wanted but was afraid of, and I actually prayed would happen and it did. But when it happened it was so abruptly that I was terrified. Through my terror I prayed for him to give me peace that I would have faith to trust him for my needs, all of them. Seemingly simplistic request I know; but the back story makes it very frightening.  The day after this abrupt change I received a magazine in the mail and nearly every article in it were testimonies of God’s provision in the exact circumstance that I found myself in and fearful of this past year. It affirmed He cares for me and knows my needs, and speaks to me when I feel like there is nobody else who understands.

Zombies

Okay so here is the situation, I feel like I am almost completely a zombie- I feel like I just don’t give a rip anymore- walking around dead. Not that this is true but my response to the continual dripping of acid on my heart and mind is well… acid back, It’s not good, it serves no purpose, it makes things even worse and I don’t know how to stop. You see I have these really good spells in which I am very, very good and very bad ones in which I am HORRID. So I am horrid right now. I have tried many forms of turning the other cheek, but I seem unable to stick it out for whatever reason… you see I get vulnerable, then I get hurt, then I get hard, then I give it another try and it starts all over again.  I just want to be happy and have fun, to enjoy life, yet this misery just won’t quit.

I know that I need to keep my focus in the right place, and I don’t all the time. I know that I need  to give up my rights, but there is too much I want sometimes. I know that I don’t deserve any better than my worst sin. But I don’t want to be eaten alive by this living dead. And I don’t want to be a Zombie.

Tell me how would you respond if your very soul was continuously slammed, the butt of every joke, ridiculed, mocked, derided, harrassed, shamed, dishonored, hurt repeatedly, over and over. I am sorry to say it starts to form a callous, and you begin to be very good at giving it back.

But you see the real problem lies in that the zombie is the one who can’t take the punishment, the zombie feels all the pain and then spews it back out to infect others, so when I dish it back, I am hurting something so much more fragile than me and I feel as though I am delaying the time when the zombie is given anew, his life.

People

In this life one of  the most frustrating and delightful and inevitable parts of life….

people.

I have many many people in my life who fall under many categories but I find that when I really look, the people in my life become another piece of artwork in the gallery of life. It is tragic and beautiful and it is delightful. I am so glad that I have began to really see them for them, not for their actions, it is hard because it takes alot of vulnerability and alot of getting hurt, and trusting has become a word I reserve for God alone. (sorry everyone else). I include many people in my list of friends, broken people, broken people who like to act like their fixed, broken people who really are fixed, broken people who don’t care that they are broken, or don’t know or refuse to admit it or ignore it. But it is remarkable the similarities (broken) that we all have regardless of our situation in life we all have this one thing in common; we are so desperately broken.

Reproach has broken my heart, And I am full of heaviness; I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none; And for comforters, but I found none. Psa. 69:20

It is so painful to have friends who suffer daily… It is far worse to have friends who do not have a source of strength in their hurt.

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psa. 37:18

this is for you my brassy frined who has been beat all her life.

this is for my friend who is paralyzed

this is for my friend who tries to find comfort in a bottle

this is for my friend whose husband looked for love elsewhere for ten years of their marriage

this is for my friend who lost her home to foreclosure and her father in the same year

this is for my friend who lost her mother, her home to fire, her ability to walk

this is for my friend who cannot control anger

this is for my friend who struggles with debilitating pain

and this is for me, too.

Because being broken brings us closer to the answer…