Okay so here is the situation, I feel like I am almost completely a zombie- I feel like I just don’t give a rip anymore- walking around dead. Not that this is true but my response to the continual dripping of acid on my heart and mind is well… acid back, It’s not good, it serves no purpose, it makes things even worse and I don’t know how to stop. You see I have these really good spells in which I am very, very good and very bad ones in which I am HORRID. So I am horrid right now. I have tried many forms of turning the other cheek, but I seem unable to stick it out for whatever reason… you see I get vulnerable, then I get hurt, then I get hard, then I give it another try and it starts all over again. I just want to be happy and have fun, to enjoy life, yet this misery just won’t quit.
I know that I need to keep my focus in the right place, and I don’t all the time. I know that I need to give up my rights, but there is too much I want sometimes. I know that I don’t deserve any better than my worst sin. But I don’t want to be eaten alive by this living dead. And I don’t want to be a Zombie.
Tell me how would you respond if your very soul was continuously slammed, the butt of every joke, ridiculed, mocked, derided, harrassed, shamed, dishonored, hurt repeatedly, over and over. I am sorry to say it starts to form a callous, and you begin to be very good at giving it back.
But you see the real problem lies in that the zombie is the one who can’t take the punishment, the zombie feels all the pain and then spews it back out to infect others, so when I dish it back, I am hurting something so much more fragile than me and I feel as though I am delaying the time when the zombie is given anew, his life.